move along just to make it through

okay, so i'm a great dissembler.
i bet no one knows how scared i really am inside.
haha! right.

emoness α irrationality
irrationality increases when people are tired and can't think straight, hence irrationality α tiredness.
Hence, tiredness α emoness
(now we know why we get more emo and more vulnerable and more open late at night)

i think i'm really lousy for being in this situation. maybe i brought it on myself, but is the loss worth the relative ease of getting through each day? super different in many ways i guess, so cmi. stop speculating! it's making things harder to bear. hahaa because i don't know how many marks i'll get for SAT or math tutorial test since i haven't touched any math since the beginning of the year! went through vectors 11A notes for the first time today. at least i did some work :) i would do more now except that i'm blogging. lol. no promises made anyway.

i want to give up but i don't know how to. life is unfair. why of all the options did i choose that one! fail already. byebye results.

i'm probably not making any sense. do you know how hard it is to appear happy when you're not feeling that great at all? but have no other option. i've been dying inside, little by little. why won't all my problems just resolve themselves into x, y and z so i can equate them and solve for the answer, make me whole once again. I'm just running in circles all the time. Need to move along just to make it through, but i'm still looking for an alibi, a reason to stay gone... it'd probably feel so good to disappear in the middle of nowhere.

One question, what can't be done? You tear me down with the same thing. There's nothing, the end it's begun. What can you do when it all drains? (i wish) When you walk, don't leave a note. Just put your hand on the back door. When you talk, it's just a joke. Just know i can't take it anymore. i'm not kidding. I may break and crack soon. I'm not as strong as i know i should be. However, life is unfair. And that sums it all up.

Final Answer
The Calling

I want love
To carry me through
All the moments, I'd kindly undo
Locked away
So I can feel safe

Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change
Look down at the water
Before I jump in
To find I was sinking fast, in all that might have been

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer

Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain?
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black.

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer...

piggy

this is the most number of times i've been called piggy in a day this year. somehow, the purring of the car engine coupled with the comfortable coolness of the aircon, not the mention the movement of the car lulls me to sleep. haha :) i love cars. went out for half the day! not really a waste, got a lot of essential stuff for the new year. not to mention, yummy mutton soup and teh halia tarik! <33 i love both :D

rum and raisin dark chocolate ftw! nothing can bring me down when i have it <333 seriously love :)

my vectors is dead. i haven't even read the entire notes through once. lol.

anyway, i think trying to act happy when you're not really feeling that great is such a chore. hahaa that's why i stone instead. lol. and maybe i should change my song collection, apparently most of them are 'emo', even though i don't think so. oh well, rock is mostly emo, since teenagers are mostly emo, and they need to cater to their majority target audience. like relate to them. but most songs are emo nowadays. so what's the point! i like what i like, even though i try to deny it sometimes. was feeling bored but i've decided to go sleep instead of doing random memes.

fail math! hahaa.

oh, i didn't blog about SAT or sat. lol better put this down in words before i lose the experience in its entirety. other than having to wake up early on a saturday again, being there from 7.30am - 2pm (registration took 1 hour plus so we started around 9), doing 9.5 sections of mcq + 0.5 sections of grid-in, with only mini 5 minute breaks in between (mentos blackcurrant my saviour, and xh's butter cookie i koped <33) to rush to the toilet, nah. it was nothing much. Just got pwned by section 6 because my brain died, my vocab died and i felt like falling asleep.

The invigilator at my side was some hot chio girl oO hahaa i bet all the guys in my section were super happy. lol. ong jm saw some super hot guy at vj test venue - let me recall the sms: "hot means hot loh.like gd bod ranned skin nice face great hair." lol. i'm sure go take sat and still got mood to see guys. michchan nv told me she was going sas for sat! she assumed i'd choose that test venue... but i'm scared of taking exams alone. haha. so must choose a venue where i know there are people going. hmm saw plenty of familiar rj faces. haha incl 2 vball guys, 1 sat 2 columns to my left a few rows behind me. lol had shimin sitting at the column on my left one seat in front. but most of my friends were way at the opposite end of the hall.

then rushed off the syfc after that for rt lesson... waited for hj for quite long so the lesson was shorter because the club had to close. waiting time was spent stoning and disturbing people, browsed through an amusing pilot-related comic book! haha. didn't cover much during the lesson due to time constraints but learnt interesting stuff anyway. i must revise!

Sat is a sad SAT day

...i'm tired. and i don't know why.

okay, scrap that, i'm probably just running out of energy after surviving on approximately 3 hours of sleep last night. i reacknowledge the fact that i blog largely about daily life, and not so much about deep stuff, but it doesn't really matter does it. i can do whatever i want here. it's mine. we shan't go into intellectual copyrights, unlimited audience/readership, or such side effects of the proliferation of the internet in today's society. it just doesn't seem appropriate in this mood.

it's raining. the only reason i like rain is because it helps you sleep well, especially in tropical climate like Singapore's. that was probably grammatically incorrect and i'd fail SAT essay in a jiffy. whee. just great, i'm in that type of mood now - the kind of ineffectual, cynical, indolent ambivalence coupled with fatigue.

last day of vball trials. i know i shouldn't be glad that turnout was poor compared to wednesday, however, leaving early is such a greater incentive than having more juniors. i bet i'd make a lousy senior. that's probably just the fatigue talking now, and i shouldn't listen to songs like Evidemment at this point in time. vball = fun. generally.

i'm not emo. seriously. i'm just tired again. and i feel bad for the way people treat each other. it's like you think you know someone, but they prove you wrong time and again. i guess we should always give each other the benefit of the doubt, or rather, we should just doubt and be suspicious all the time so that when the seemingly unexpected occurs, you'd have preempted the situation. "Evaluate the extent to which paranoia should be an inherent part of the human psychology." maybe suspicious and paranoia are too strong words to use. or not.

Preconceived notions never match reality. Ambiguity always brings someone down, yes, you can think about this in the context of SAT improving sentences questions. Yet, would you want to know the truth? Would the transcient clarity be worth the implications, the consequences of veracity? Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss, hence power does not bring about happiness. Make sense? or dollars. Motivation? or motives.

Relationships are funny things. friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues, classmates, teachers, figures with power over you, etc. You never know when they change, warp or distort into something unrecognisable. I shall stop here because this has been less therapeutic than i thought it would be.

assiduous student takes sat tomorrow. oh wait, scrap the first word of the sentence. and replace it with asinine. one mark up. add corpulent too. they are, doubtless, the words of the day.

Mundaneity

klutzy day :S

vball trials today...not bad i guess, unless you count the fact that i got whacked by the ball about four times during the 2.30 - 5pm time period. that would mean, at least 1 ball per hour. not bad at all. first time i wear specs during training, i get whacked by the ball some idiot j1 guy slams towards my face -.- so that's how you return a volleyball. i'll make sure to remember that fact the next time if i have to return a ball to you. luckily my specs didn't die or i'd have screamed bloody murder. tired now = irritated.

got to man ball handling skills with kelvin and raymond. quite fun... got to talk to other vball guys. amusing experience :P however, counting the number of self-digs for every person pasing through is rather tiring. being nice is tiring, so you stone to take a break. but being nice is better than being evil, personally that's what i feel. i'd only be evil to you if i feel like i can get away with it :) that means you're family because i'd apologise after that and because they've already seen you at your worst.

played games against the guys after that. almost blocked zj's spike on a higher than girls' net! XD must train more and improve, be the best centre i can be!

did some serving after that. argh why can't i serve in games! mental skills mental skills...

school, first time in math lecture and morning pe this year! not bad :) hahaa.

more klutziness ensued at home: banged my cheek on the sink at the same part where the idiot j1's ball slammed into my face/eye. lucky no black eye otherwise i'll sue him. grrrr. evil pok. then fell while trying to do wall push-ups. noobness -_- sigh.

was trying to write essay for stanford book prize. but not up to par, nor am i proud of it. so i'll just heck the competition even though i really did want to go and see stanford :( supposed to prep for SAT. i'm tired... haiz.

have i signed up for more than i can take? nahhhh. okay, let's stop slacking and get started!

tomorrow, tomorrow~ i'll love you tomorrow :) tuition+ charlu+jeanette day. oh let's not forget mock spa skill D. whee.

p.s. this is a record. not an angst/rant session.

what would you think of me if you knew?

crap. i just tore one page of my new sat prep book -.- i've calculated that i will have to do at least 100 pages a day in order to go through the entire thing by friday. then, that will leave me with 11 practice papers to do by saturday morning. how fun. i'm going to neglect every other piece of school work until after sat on sat. actually, that's not very extraordinary lol. to not do anything until the weekends i mean.

tape fixed the tear on the page. but some things can't be fixed with sticky tape. what to do then?

obtained the all-american rejects album. i like :)

Alphabet Meme

A. Attitude? perserverance. optimism.
B- Best apples? FUJI APPLES! <333
C- Cooking? food for me :) must be yummy. i'm lazy to do it myself.
D- Drink of Choice? alcoholic or non xD
E- Essential Item? my brain, when it's working. if not, a better brain.
F. Foreign language? French and japanese and korean and all the nice sounding different tongues! all interesting! :) je comprends le francais!
G- Great at anything? not really... :x crapping?
H- Height? 165.5cm. i shrunk :( i want to be taller.
I- Indulgence? chocolates and ice cream... hehe.
J- Jealous? of people who are smarter than me, and aren't confused.
K- Kinks? along the road of my life annoy me. even if i haven't set my path yet...
L- Life — always look on the bright side :)
M- Married? no. not yet?
N- Never — annoy me, or curse me, or try to make me feel sad :( because i don't like feeling sad and confused.
O- Old? hopefully something foreign.
P- Politics? intriguing, but not my cup of tea.
Q- Quit? annoying teenage thingos.
R- Rich? i want to be... so can buy cars cars cars! :)
S- Seasonings? miso soup.
T- Television? exposes you to amusing facts, events and dramas.
U- Unknown Fact about Me? if i blabbed, it wouldn't be unknown anymore right? :P
V- Vegetable I hate? brinjal and lady's fingers >< no slimy food for me plz.
W- Weeds I like? it's not a weed if i like it :D
X- X-Rays? black and white. oh and gray, a blurring of the two.
Y- Yogurt? yum. healthy dairy food xP calcium and pus!

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

actually. i'm not a flower at all. if i had to be a plant, i'd rather be a fuji apple tree, because i like fuji apples! :D

so i'm cold. that explains the sneezing.

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

okay. true. i really detest pushy salespeople as well.

but i believe in hope.

dirty little secret :x

Business minded and a natural leader, you are a canidate to be embraced by the Ventrue clan. You can be rather dominant with a high stamina however, you tend to have obsessive compulsive tendencies...especially when it comes to your food. You are the clan the others look to organize groups and factions. Generally princes are among this clan. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Anubis Clever, fatalist, deep. Sympathetic, generous, loving and perseverant in proving their view point Colors: male: sienna, female: crimson Compatible Signs: Bastet, Isis Dates: May 8 - May 27, Jun 29 - Jul 13 Role: God of death and mummification Appearance: Jackal or a jackal-headed man Sacred animals: jackal What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign? Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

hmm, i like. except the empress part. so i changed one answer and got:

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

which is more satisfactory :)
but my luck has already changed.

reality

last day of vball clinic, but still have to go down next friday for vball tryouts for J1s. see how.

stack of tutorials calling. and before i forget, here's the statement of the day:

my mom called me stout. discuss.

slice of sandwich

Just reached home after vball clinic - almost died halfway during from exhaustion, i think flying is adrenaline-inducing then energy-zapping.. so i was enthu-ish in the beginning before tiredness set in...then i started stoning at my group :x i'm such a lousy group leader la!! haha ^^" then training after clinic, which was even worse, thanks to abovementioned fatigue. At least i DCO-ed. 0.8h solo, 0.6h dual, i love go-arounds Xp and extending upwinds! hahaa.

I think my spiking and flying moods are at an all-time low now... compared to the beginning. i think i blogged about needing to regain that high again, maybe i'm just too tired to try. Flying, is still high-inducing but somehow, i'm lacking that euphoric feeling. how. i realised not long ago that i really haven't been on a high for quite long. that sucks ><>

colorgenics test. interesting.

APPARENTLY.

Try No. 1

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are feeling extremely nervous and frustrated. At this moment you are impatient, erratic and irritable. It could be that you are not feeling that well at this time - possibly suffering from hypertension. You feel that the situation is threatening and dangerous. You are resentful that what you have striven so hard for is being menaced and you are at your wits end because you feel powerless to prevent it. You are fearful that everything can collapse on you like a pack of cards and that you could lose everything. You are unable to view the situation objectively. You are attempting to remove or minimise this threat but you are overextended to the point of nervous prostration.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

Try No. 2 because i thought i lost 1 when firefox died, but it was stored in history... Oo

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You need a friend - a close friend - and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be somewhat argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict - since this might reduce your prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

All the distress and agitation is the result of attempting to avoid any form of stimulation or excitement. The situation in which you find yourself at this time is one of hostility and therefore you are under considerable pressure. You are very irritable and prone to angry outbursts. You are in a mental quandary and you could be experiencing physical problems.You are very distressed by the apparent hostility of everyone around you and you feel coerced and subjected to intolerable pressures. You are resentful of what you regard as unreasonable demands on you but the situation is such that you feel powerless to control it and at this time you just don't know 'which way to turn'.

You are completely worn out and you are not in the mood for any further demands on your resources. The situation - such as it is - has rendered you quite helpless, unable to continue the mental battle that you have been pursuing for some considerable time. Enough is enough. All you would like to do now would be to have some time for yourself, to find a peaceful situation where you can recuperate in your own time.

TRY NUMBER 3 because i was testing consistency of test results

You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.

At this time you 'need to be needed' and again you 'need to need'. You have had this feeling for some time now and you are looking for someone who could share a close bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy. You have the belief that with the right person you could conquer the world.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

You are experiencing extreme emotional disappointment because it would seem that a particular relationship is no longer running smoothly. You would like to break away from this involvement completely and yet, if this were to happen, then its possible that something very important to you would be lost. You are in a quandary. You are not sure which way to turn. So on the one hand, you would like to free yourself from this attachment altogether, yet on the other, you do not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory and opposing emotions are now causing you considerable stress but you are putting on a brave face - pretending that you don't care.

Anxiety and a restless antagonism, as a result of unfulfilled emotional needs, has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to overcome this by working and playing extremely hard - but at all times you have your future in mind. You are a worker and as a result of your inherent enthusiasm you cannot fail.

RIGHT. i'm placed under duress to post this.
-__-" sigh. but number 1 was something similar. wth.
I will laugh at this soon, if it wasn't so annoyingly weird and wrong.

TRY NUMBER 4. BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IT CAN GIVE THE SAME STUFF FOR SO LONG

You are trying to evade your problems and difficulties and tensions by 'leaping before you look'. This could be construed as a 'panic' situation and panic is an irrational fear - 'loss of control'. You are desperately seeking a way out of it all and because of any headstrong decisions that you may be making this could lead to an extremely dangerous situation. Slow down - matters seem to find a way of resolving themselves. Without sounding complacent remember that 'all's well that ends well'.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.

You are feeling extremely nervous and frustrated. At this moment you are impatient, erratic and irritable. It could be that you are not feeling that well at this time - possibly suffering from hypertension. You feel that the situation is threatening and dangerous. You are resentful that what you have striven so hard for is being menaced and you are at your wits end because you feel powerless to prevent it. You are fearful that everything can collapse on you like a pack of cards and that you could lose everything. You are unable to view the situation objectively. You are attempting to remove or minimise this threat but you are overextended to the point of nervous prostration.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

-------------------------------------------------
apparently. it can.
and apparently. i'm stressed.
i am NOT depressed nor wdv. *rolls eyes*
the test is Flawed.

dumbdumb ><

The end of 2 days of staying back late in school for sports talks, even though they were interesting and quite informative. Went for dinner with some of the vball girls :) quite fun. Grilled fish spaghetti is nice.

2000 calorie diet

Breakfast
2 bananas
1/2 cup cereal
dunno
dunno

Lunch
Sandwiches (lean meat, low fat cheese)

Dinner
2 cups of spaghetti, 1/3 cup of low fat moz., 1 serving of fish/chicken
1/2 cup milk

and i can't remember. lol. how fun. i did the dinner portion :D

Killed my shin today. what a smart way of injuring myself, by climbing up the stadium stairs, suddenly losing balance like a big hanzhi (sweet potato, or sth, apparently in dialect means clumsy fellow), and scraping my shin. The weirdest thing was it was a super lag bleeding, before that could only see white, which was scarier than blood. Apparently, it should be fat/skin/some tissue...then the small pinpricks grew bigger and it started bleeding. now it won't stop, possibly the steps are sharp and some part of the wound is deep. ironic how i wanted it to bleed, and now it won't stop. I would post a gross pic x) but my cam refuses to work...

now it's trickling blood, and bruised, and like swollen bump - imagine a bigger baluku on your leg... lol. flight tmr! yay. hopefully can dco.

do work do work :)

okay i'm back. and, it's time to get down to business!

Performance goals: Reduce slacking.
Clear tutorials.
Read notes.
Find CIP.
Do well in CCA.
Outcome goals: 'A's
Scholarship.

So i did take away something from the sports psychology talk after all, besides some rest (fell asleep for awhile). Won't they be proud that it wasn't such a waste of time!

It's all in the mind. Seriously. Strength of willpower will overcome anything, even stuff some would think are insurmountable!

Ready? Let's ROLL!

it's never too late to realise

everyone has facets of themselves that few others know about. It's impossible to see someone completely, unless of course, you suscribe to the belief of the existence of soulmates. I think i'm going to get over this unexpected bump on the road i'm supposed to be on soon, since i'm finding out things i never knew and making stands. hmm... so much for sleeping early. but this time to myself, letting myself float has been worth it. so much time has been wasted. and it will stop soon - with perfect knowledge, all firms becomes price takers and the demand becomes perfectly price elastic.

laughing with your broken eyes

i'm sad

:'(

really

:'(

my saturday groundschool talkkok and study sessions are going to be taken away. along with all my saturday flight bookings.

:'(

and next week, my flight bookings have been more or less decimated. howw. i have to pon h3, and he's returning case studies. i don't want to go for sports cca talk with j1s alone.

:(

busybusy is good yet bad.

:'(

i'm a soft wood feng shui element. lol.

run, run, running away

skipped half of school, skipped nearly half of training. that sounds like today was a bouncy day. trust me, it wasn't. it was gloomy, and rainy. but i did learn stuff - lean forward, take the ball from behind, point your toecaps and thumbs towards the person you're receiving to, how to dig the ball up higher, how you feel like not saying sorry anymore but can't help it.

cx - wx. need i say more? At least, i have the consolation of a gp group who loves me because they had a valid reason not to present on fascism (faschism... i think the cleaner pronunciation is nicer) even though only one group managed to present today. watched vball videos after skipping half of training to go see mr jason teo about econs holiday essay, which i failed didn't pass. whee. bad news again during vball. no more nice Mr Teo (the vball coach, not the econs tutor, though he's quite nice i guess, the tutor) because he's not available, thus we share the same coach as the guys. i think he's going to be biased because he trained the guys for much longer, hence has built up a rapport and relationship with them... ahh wdv. more bad news - i have to cancel bookings on tuesday, wednesday and friday afternoon for next week and wednesday afternoons and saturday mornings to afternoons forever (or at least June seems like forever). I can't go for groundschool on saturday anymore, otherwise i'd be super dead since trainings are 1,3,6. So i probably have to sacrifice a sunday, and no more piano on monday so it has to be friday...

actually. yay. i'm going to be so busy i'll have no spare brainspace to think. i've been trying to get rid of it. hopefully i'll succeed or risk losing this challenge.
wonder when i'll finally dco my 25th. no more house comm for this busy little bee. i don't like bees...how about a busy little bear. i like bears. i want to be a bear. bears are cute and cuddly and lazy and happy.

another day, i waste away

It ends tonight.

There's something calming and settling about that song. I play it at least once everyday, which is better than looping, so i won't get sick of the song so fast. It's probably one of the longer lasting favourites in my collection, not bad. Re-obtained french songs, so i'll probably hear Garou over the speakers in that horrifically (only when you think about les examens) beautiful language.

What's up with the world today?

We did volleyball souvenirs until quite late, sat there and painted for a few hours straight. Now i know why house comm people used to complain about making souvenirs... and imagine they had to make about four times more than what we did! Then went to j8 to look for present for our beloved captain's birthday tomorrow. Did i mention the taking of height and weight during PE today? Maybe i should just give up trying to lose weight because i put on 2+ kg... and shrank 0.5cm -.- how unfair. but then again, when has life ever been fair?

I'm being emo again. I think there's something seriously wrong with me, and i intend to get rid of it soon. Hopefully. but i'm trying to make it go away. Life's hard sometimes, espcially when the choices you make come back to bite you in the ass, in really unexpected ways.

open open, close close, open or close?

Today marks the start of the second week of school. Wait a minute, am I right? Can it be only monday, the first day of the second week of the year? Time really blends together when things move the same way for almost all of life that you can remember. I'm probably just being cynical and irate because i'm tired. So tired, that today feels like a thursday, like the load of one week is being heaped onto me in one day. How great a feeling can that be?

Left h3 econs early for training today. by early, i mean 15 minutes after the lesson started, just when the teacher walked in. How pro is that? He enters through the back and starts walking down the stairs to the front of the LT, and we walk out. Anyway, training was, push-up madness ._. every mistake anyone makes, owe one team push-up, to be done after that set of exercise. All in all, i do believe we did 200 odd push-ups, not bad for second third training (i sorta didn't want to know that the second one existed.) Hopefully, i have flight on wednesday morning, so that i won't have to pon training, then i can arrange for piano on thursday because i definitely won't have flight the day after, usually, and can go for training on friday. Does that mean i'm busy?

Everyone's tired. Things seem screwed up. It's hard to find something that's enough to keep us afloat, but everyone has that special something i guess. For me, probably music, friends, random stuff, and the memory of the feel of flight. Speaking of which, i need to find that feeling of awe, inspiration and clarity of mind when i'm flying. I think i've lost it in the coming-and-going of life, the familiar patterns and rhythms of everyday passing by.

Does this mean love fades? And that you have to work to keep it alive? Or just that you forget about it when it becomes habitual, something that's common to you... and you forget how wonderful or surprising something you can do is, to someone who can't begin to imagine what it feels like.

Work
Jimmy Eat World

If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

time of torture

Well, j2 year has begun. and the first day of school warrants a post :)

First up, to whine. i'm dead beat, falling over on my feet - this possibly due to ankle/heel tendon problems, and my biological clock hasn't adjusted. Maybe watching Supernatural before attempting to go to bed wasn't the smartest move, but. it's a good show and usually shows don't affect my sleep habits. School opened with a crawling start, i was sleepy and awfully non-optimistic, possibly because i've looked on A levels with dread since the year before.

Back to the monotony of school life, which includes training. Training is back with a vengeance. note the emphasis. After no running at all since NAPFA, i got treated to 3 rounds around the school, roughly 3km, after doing ball training... poor little unfit me -.- the result was obvious. i died. however, really appreciate my teammates for encouraging me along, and refusing to let me stop and walk abit before continuing. That's supposed to be a good thing, yeah. >< And my ankle/heel tendon thingys hurt like crap, hard to walk. i think my feet may just drop off. yuck. But lessons were slack, i guess. Despite having a new gp presentation to do, all the work i did in school was copy some maths notes on vectors.

With the timetable changes, i should be able to book some second waves. good. And we end school much earlier, at the expense of 5 minutes of walking to class time. Give and take works out well. Especially when there is finally air-con in school this year. Be prepared for sniffling noses and freezing fingers, not to mention stinky classrooms after PE. Homeroom at b21 though, which is a good thing :) second floor is perfect for lazy people who want to believe they are being hardworking by climbing one flight of stairs.

And now, I recall my new year resolution to fight. Well, time to practice what i preached and battle physical fatigue to prepare for SAT and maybe even get started on econs essay, which should be due tmr. horror. tuition tmr = stay in school till late. At least the heavens are sharing my feelings and pouring out their sorrow, expressing their bouts of annoyance via bolts of lightning which illuminate the night sky in bursts and flashes.

a new day has come, and with it, 2007

To get a headstart, i shall blog now and publish post at 12 midnight, 1 Jan 2007.

I wonder whether the coming of a new year in Singapore will feel different anywhere else. Is there even the 'most correct time', since the dawn of a new year here will be half a day earlier than in America? Actually, when that last second passes, will i feel older, more accomplished? I bet it won't feel any different from any other second of any other day. Time is such a relative concept, and rather impossible to grasp. Our body clocks should be the best measure of time - the rate at which we age, but standardisation would then be close to impossible since every person is different. Every person is unique.

The only reason why I'm blogging is because this is the first time i'm going into a new year alone, the parental figures being away and not returning until after 12, and well it's something worth remembering even if i don't really want it to happen again... I can't always depend on them but it's quite hard to draw a line between reliance and growing up.

Everyone talks about resolutions on new year's eve. I shan't be an exception then. Then again, making resolutions would mean keeping to them, and i'm not sure if i can, or if i can even think of resolutions that can be put into words. Some normal stuff would be studies, cca, etc - 'Work hard, play hard'? Maybe this year i'll be more independent with regards to everything - computer and msn, studies and work, flight, people. Everyone would count us one year older when 12 midnight passes. I guess that means it should be time to grow up, which is scary, not just because i'll have to think of the responsibilities, but also the world starts to seem a much wider place. To illustrate, think of baby wolves poking their noses out of the den for the first time to sample the smells, next they will wander around near the den for a while before finally loping off to do whatever it is adult wolves do. 'Follow your heart and use your head' is good advice but hard to put into practice, but not appropriate in this context. just felt that it was a nice quote to use. Call that spontaneity if you will.

In 2006, i relaxed too much. i realised that i was very dependent on my environment, and being thrown into some really strange and different arena was stressful. So i guess i relieved stress by not fighting through it but, just sitting back and letting it flow past. This has to change. and so, here's my first concrete, different resolution for 2007 - to fight. go with the flow and adapt to thrive, but i'll also fight. go, go, fight!

Counting down on tv.

okay it's the new year. i don't feel any different, except sorta had some sort of feeling of the entire year, like vague memories flashing past. i think it's psychological. seriously. and i don't feel like blogging anymore. so.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Or at least, we all hope it'll be a happier new year (:

2006 was quite a good year. Flying was a great addition to my life. and being in rj has been not bad so far. so let's hope 2007 will be better. Maybe my second resolution will be not to be so lazy anymore. and find a hardworking, chionging me that i will like more. maybe i'll like me more this year. hopefully. life is full of possibilities. but i don't think the phrase was meant to be used this way x)