good day!!

alright confidence levels should be back on track (:

i can be a meteorologist too! whee~

i'll be ready! just you wait and see!! :D

189th: chocolate fondue <3

not a bad day today (: worth the wait.
elaborate another time! haha, too full and brain-dead now.

actually i think this was the only time the smell of chocolate (cooking, maybe it smelt kinda burnt) made me feel grossed out. perhaps you've helped cure me of my chocolate addiction :P most likely not! hahaa and they should put cheesecake instead of vanilla lemon cake pieces.

oh crap cheesecake in fridge remains untouched and i'm off to msia till monday.. i should try it now, but too full. zz. update2 will have to wait. i'll eat it tmr morning for breakfast.

update1

baked spaghetti: pass

but could be better. i blame it on the tuna burgers i had to clear from my fridge coz they are damn gross. since it's passably nice overall, means my cooking is not that bad! :D and i did it all myself! i'm feeling accomplished-ish. (: the veggies could be less overcooked and the thing should have less water (i don't even know why there's water coz i didnt add any) means i should have simmered the sauce longer. and totally dried the spaghetti. and no tuna burger! it's seriously gross. anyone thinking of buying frozen tuna burger patty from NTUC in some dark blue packaging, in packs of 2, should just NOT do so. it's the wisest choice.

but i miss tuna fish porridge. i used to eat it everyday in my kindergarten coz the auntie who cooks food for us is married to a fisherman uncle, who manages to get fresh tuna fish everyday! which she minced and cooked in porridge for us. it's the <3. i miss my kindergarten for the tuna fish porridge :(

house(wo)manship

so much for mugging intensively during the hols! i haven't accomplished anything today :x went for piano then went grocery shopping because i smartly declared that i would cook dinner today. took me 1h to actually get everything i needed. then in the middle of making the stupid thing, it decided to half-fail on me and i had to run out to get an ingredient to save it! harrowing experience. i would have just died if it had failed... but we shall save further comments for later.

so in the end, all i accomplished today was piano lesson, 5 pages of probability and 10 pages of ionic equilibria (that i looked at on the bus). plus one (yet-to-be-determined) no bake cheesecake and baked spaghetti, which i can actually smell from here. it was the bloody cheesecake's fault. baked spaghetti was easy-ish. bought my first bottle of alcohol today, and what for?! to cook with. wow. actually it's been quite fun (: even the washing up, despite the wrinkly hands. i hope the 4h worth of work will turn out good.

If you ever tried to employ me as a chef, you would have to starve before i finally serve you food so be glad i don't aspire to be one! XD

oh, and poor instructor was sick today :( so i didn't get to fly. nvm (: got a slot tmr. good luck to me~ area solo here i come!

exciting∞!!

area solo tomorrow! and i JUST REALISED.

can't wait.

remember the blutack (:

i melt with you

just cleared (and sorta cleaned) my table. it looks nice and empty now. but i guess that's only if you don't look around the room :P because myopic vision always serves good purposes.

forgot to take before and after pictures though.. :x i shall attempt to make the entire place look clearer before i restart mugging! hahaa i guess i'll be visiting you often bloggie (:

vball bbq yesterday was quite fun. and rather relaxing. dali someone discovered a new breed of fish, comes in different degrees of burnt - the cuttleball fish! and it really liked attacking him, i think it succeeded thrice. not bad (: but i ate too much...zz at this rate i'll get fat from lack of exercise and eating too much. should go running but it's never been on my list of sports-to-do. or if it made it, it'd be at the bottom ranks. get the point. but talking to people you haven't talked to before, even if it's small talk, was quite cool (:


don't wanna be alone
so i need to learn to love solitude
don't wanna be reliant
so i must stand on my own two feet
don't wanna anything (:
so i want everything

too many things to get done

and i'm running out of days.

watched liverpool play ac milan on my birthday, well technically it wasn't my birthday anymore in singapore, but it still was in Athens! it was quite a good match and liverpool played really well, but it wasn't meant to be.. and seeing reina sitting on the field with his arms around his legs/knees reminded me of what i would do in similar types of circumstances. sometimes after a game or when you get moody or just when you feel like it, all you want to do is just sink into your thoughts (which may not be the best thing to do) and deal with it in solitude (be antisocial) so you won't affect other people or do or say things you might regret. that's besides the point - milan didn't play very well, and the referee called 3 minutes when there was still 20 seconds on the clock.. but sometimes things just don't go your way!

so i got a total of 1h of sleep that morning, along with a pimple breakout and a persistent running nose. pimples are.. i cannot begin to describe how i feel when i see one on my face. whine whine.. that was inconsequential, but sometimes it's the small things that make life more worth living (:

BIRTHDAY (:

the 18th year of my life is beginning.
birthdays seem to get less exciting as years pass, maybe coz you use up all the excitement when you're younger!

the 17th was filled with ups and downs. i guess i consider it one of my most accomplished years thus far, because i learnt how to fly (: it's like you learn to walk, talk, take care of yourself. then comes all the other stuff. and well, i guess 17th was also my most stressful year thus far too. but in the end, everything will seem to blend and fade until all you are is a mix of all you've been through, even if you can't remember distinctly all that had happened to you. i tried quite alot of new things this year, and some things just came along even if not of my own volition. some were fun, some not so, but i guess everything just helps you grow and become stronger! yeah aim to do one pull up by this year (that's what i said last year :x) and i guess i'd better start learning to keep my resolve. esp for As.

hmm, i'm legal :P drive, fly, drink.
more freedom = more responsibility
i should go and watch 23 when the dvd comes out xD

save enough money to buy a car by 23!

and i could walk on water

mundaneity: or not so.

anyway i realised i've forgotten to blog about alot of interesting moments such as ripcurl beach vball and our sumo-fying experiences :P amongst other stuff.

it's just so easy to be blinded by all the hard stuff in life that's rushing at you that you forget the interspersed flashes of enjoyment because they're just so transient, like gone in the blink of the eye and you're back where it all began. and how you're sprinting so quickly to catch up that you can hardly think that when you
stop to take a breather, your mind just goes blank. and you just slack around doing stuff that really isn't that worth you doing, but that you convince yourself you need to do.

we're supposed to live from one happy moment to the next, and use them to tide through the bad times yet we often forget these brief moments of freedom, well, happiness is freedom. or at least it's supposed to be.

anyway, i'm thankful for friday:
- how i managed to get through the day without being outwardly emo over things that i should just treat as lessons along the road of life that will help me grow.
- how there won't ever be physics spa again, but the thought of 2hours worth of physics tutorial doesn't seem that appetising either.
- seeing friends you lose contact with from time to time because of timetables and finding out they think about you too =) well, i'm thankful for friends. hahaa =)
- the fact that i went for chem focus even though i didn't really want to and learnt alot out of it, in fact i think without it, i'd still be a major dumbo at ionic equilibria. at least now, i have some of the basic concepts. actually, maybe if i listened to tutorials and made them stick in my head, i would have gotten to approximately the same place before friday. but at least, it's happened.
- hmm, how i realised that people try their best to help you and how much you appreciate it even though ultimately, it's up to you to help yourself.
- how guitar concert was good, and it helped me see different sides of people i knew when they were performing. it actually gave me good insights on performing that i'll probably need in the future - like what works and what doesn't work that well. the mood of instrumental performances.
- how i realised i can still be in awe at the beauty of music and its performance.
- spending time with bel, because we seem to be able to make each other high-ish for awhile. even though our plan to throw flowers failed due to inertia. and we missed peng2's segment and couldn't see her walk for rproj. spending time with good friends is always nice, no matter the length of time spent, what it was spent doing, or where. i guess it's the shared experiences that people create together that make you smile when you're alone =)
- taking train with a friend to the same mrt stop and being able to catch up and talk the journey away, even though it wasn't a long trip
- and how i could still appreciate the beauty of the night sky in all its stormy glory <3 lightning flashes are thrilling when you have to go home yourself, though would probably be nicer shared. but i'm glad that beauty still manages to exist everywhere and that i can still see it.
a subjective yet comforting thought =)

it's always so much easier to fear for someone else than for yourself.

can't lose what you never had :)

I'm sorry. Forgive me because
I can still laugh, even if it may sound hollow
I can still smile, even if it's faded
I can still joke around, even if my eyes are blank
I'm still breathing. even if my heart stopped beating to survive

Because you can't lose what you never had,
And no more accidents are going to happen till it's end.
I promise. And I will fight to keep this promise:
No more tears will fall.

I will get through this time.
I will learn from my mistakes, and grow.
And I will be all the better for it.

you might think you know me, but maybe. just maybe, you don't

blogger screwed up on me whenever i tried to blog so i gave up. and sometimes, you don't feel like writing whatever's in your head after awhile (: but we shouldn't ever give up or lose confidence. that's what quite a few people told me today.
this morning's flight sucked. seriously.
and i guess everything's piling up more than usual, what with h3 final exam, flying (a hell lot of it) and its associated exams. stress is a self-created concept. if i don't accept it exists, it doesn't, especially if i do well.
but i guess i managed to hide it well in school(: how pro is that!
not much i really feel like putting down in words. but the lessons i've learnt over the past 2 years in flying club, vball, jc life and whatever should stay with me whether i know it or not. and now that i'm nearing the 'legal age', i guess i want to say that i've grown. well, i probably have. trying to stay young at heart.
confidence. i think i just need more mental preparation. i can do it.
the above was Not what i wanted to blog when i was thinking about blogging in the car (yes, waste my time) and gosh, how time flies - i shall use this at the risk of sounding clichéd because, life is simply filled with them. perhaps that's why they are overused, because they happen so often and you can find so many things to apply these tacky phrases to.. i digress. i should be doing more productive stuff like studying for h3 or meteorology now. Both fascinating subjects that should occupy my attention for hours. oh i wasted all my time today. great.
i'm over and done with noob stuff. focus.
oh, what i wanted to say was that sometimes you feel like saying things, but you don't get the opportunity or you never find the right moment and the right people to say them. and sometimes, you feel like telling people things about your life or your day, but never get the chance to or it never feels right or somehow, things don't click that way. Subsequently, the urgency of saying them fades, until it's just something you keep inside, to mull over alone.. and i guess this is the way things were meant to be ultimately. until you find someone who fills that hole i guess. in the meantime, you just tell the people who happen to be there at the right time or at the time when the thing just happened or you just felt whatever it was, then you'll say what you feel like saying. timing is the key, see.
and when you're blinded by this jaded world, i'll be your eyes. run to me.
oh past week till today stuff:
fly. fly. fly. alot.
ratings exam. pass barely. sigh.
ripcurl beach vball! (: fun outing time. hahaa i want pics. hmm.
i think that's it. unless you count school.

in love because it's mine

i'm happy :D like really happy for once in a long while

i love my phone <3 because it's mine! so my phone >>> all other phones :D and it's prettyy! super pretty <3 love loads.

even though i found out it has no flight mode, that's my fault~
hahaaa i should have checked. and a little interference over the comms never killed anyone (:

whee

hey, look at the time!

at least i'll have only a 100 pages to go tomorrow after i sleep! Airworthiness and Performance to be conquered then. i'm rather bemused now at my idiotic procrastinating self.. resolve is required. at the appropriate time. lol.

lake

realised i haven't blogged for quite long and well, this is one of the days when i'm home early, which has been really rare since jc started! but i guess it will become a norm soon... i actually felt rather lost without training, like what to do? and reading blogs and coming onto the comp when i was going to take a nap instead has proven to be a bad move because when i'm free i will blogsurf, inevitably stumble across people's past posts that i don't really feel like reading but will be unable to stop myself. oh bleargh. i'm over it, but it still affects me.

like the way i'm quite easily irritated and touchy about the littlest things that i usually don't get annoyed about but just brush off. not like they haven't teased me before.. and i punched someone in the arm yesterday, granted it was a guy and i'm not that strong but i felt quite bad about it after that :( my fist and arm moved too fast for me to control! that's a bad excuse i know, but what else can i say to justify it.. sometimes spontaneous reactions suck. like the way i know i'm probably slightly stressed but try to deny it.

denial works quite well for me. mental power and all that crap.

found out today that there isn't a female pilot scholar yet, shall i aspire to be one of the first few? since i know some of my PPLmates want to get in too... talked to the simulator instructor today, and he seemed quite taken aback that i don't have a concrete goal or plan in life.. i think i've a commitment phobia when it comes to certain things. and i really have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, concretely, or with certainty.

on a side note, it's liverpool vs ac milan in the uefa champs league finals! i'm quite excited about it :) will watch regardless. At all the people who used to laugh at us (liverpool and its fans), don't underestimate teams just because they haven't been at their max potential standard! there's still room to grow.

i haven't cried. but i read about people crying or feeling like crying or doing things to de-stress or de-angst and i feel damn.. ok whatever.. enough. wish i had more resolve and determination to do things that i should be doing, like eating only vegetables and going running everyday for 2 weeks which helped some dude lose 8kg. enviable! and totally out of the point.

i think i can't leave pain alone. sports people are masochists - pushing themselves to the max for a goal that they know they might not reach with a finite probability but still they go for it anyway. then most of the times they fall, sometimes they succeed but all the time emotions run high. at the peak of the moment, it's all worth the crash. right?

i say i'm not angsty. and i say i don't need. because saying these things will make them come true. and if i'm not honest, i'm an escape artist.

and i suck at commitment. i wonder what we could have done with 3 more months with this coach and the way we were training for the past 2 months before competition.. because during the games i saw like all the potential that our team had, but somehow weren't able to bring out to the fullest. i wonder how much better i would have been if i hadn't ponned training to go flying during the dec hols, before the dec hols (even though it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference)and if we had had this great jiao lian who is a much more effective coach than the old one. though the old one was more expressive and nice, not that coach isn't nice, he just tries not to show it but we can see when he's amused but attempting to look serious and not laugh at our ridiculous antics, which i will miss very very much.. and we were just getting the hang of being a team on and off court and now we won't have much of a chance.. because everyone is starting to be serious about studying like i should be and i don't like punctuation marks (hoho) because i want to say this all in one breath and i will not go on about what trainings were like because i hope i can remember them in my head. and anyway there are all those other reminiscent blogs out there that i can cross refer to .break. and i think i make a lousy friend and teammate. break. oh whatever. (added punctuation randomly.) and well. everyone makes mistakes but do the best they can at the moment.. winning may not be everything, but it still sucks to lose. so i wonder what we could have been like training with this coach in the dec hols instead, playing more friendlies, encouraging each other and doing more team stuff.

boo.

sometimes i wish i were superhuman so that i would never let my teammates down. but that's impossible. both parts of the sentence. like they said my spiking the match point out during jj match first set didn't matter because all the mistakes accumulate and eventually the blame has to land on someone, but i rather it was coz the other team won the point instead of a mistake on our part, especially mine. i said i would spike them silly but on the day of the match and the day before, i got 'sian'ed and i didn't do pre-match prep the same way i'd been doing for the past 2 matches. and i went to study ratings and do homework instead. not that i got much done.

actually, there's not much point brooding over the past, and we have to move on. because that would be the rational thing to do, but when have emotions ever made sense? humans are such weak, fallible creatures that it's kind of disgusting that i'm one such but even worse(!), belonging to the lower spectrum. especially since i waste time when i should be concentrating on finishing my ratings book by tomorrow. 250 pages to go. rounded down that is.

life goes on;