million dollar baby

watched the show on channel 5 last night and some issues left me thinking:

drive/ motivation
chance
cheating
euthanasia/assisted suicide
blame
hope

unfortunately i can't seem to get down to actually expressing what i want to say about them! maybe later (: just that the movie was good, because it made me think, and feel - angsty, no doubt, but it was worth it. because what are we, without emotions?

even the great stoic Sigmund Freud showed emotion when his youngest daughter, confidante and apparent heir to his ideas, returned from interrogation by the Nazi Gestapo.

anyway, talk about one big fat hoax!

blehh

to sum it up, prelims has not been very happy-fying nor good.. there's a problem with my familiarity of content knowledge for all subjects, as well as application - which is harder to train so i should be focusing on having all the information and points i need at my fingertips! like today, i screwed up econs case study?! simply because i was too focused on the different points i have to cover in my answers, and sort of neglected the details, plausibility and fitting the points into the question part of writing a passable answer...which basically means my marks are gone.

oh and cocaine hydrochloride and its transportation.. i couldn't figure out how the cocaine structure they gave us could become a hydrochloride!! that's 11 marks down the drain.. and the possibility of getting a S for chem is becoming greater..

i think my exam answering techniques have problems too. so i guess i should reorganise my study plan and shift the chionging of prelim papers 1 week later, and take this week to internalise, link and familiarise myself with all the concepts first.. perhaps familiarisation breeds contempt! but that's not really applicable here??

and it's math tomorrow. stats! i need to get practice in. because for maths, it's all about practice! which reminds me that i haven't bought the math and econs tys that i've been meaning to get.

lesson learnt from mooncake and milk at midnight

quite long since i've last been here, both in private and public posting! and there's some stuff that i've written in ink, on paper that i might feel like transferring here. but the point of this private post is to WHINE. about how annoying it is that i have a chem paper 2 in the morning, and an econs case study paper - which consists of TWO CASE STUDIES?! in the afternoon, but most importantly! I'M SICK. and i feel like curling up in a ball and dying. is this how sick animals feel, when they run off to find a place to die in solitude? because i feel that death is imminent in the next 24 hrs! Figuratively. i don't really have a desire to die.

stupid stomach upset which lead to headache and wooziness and super uncomfortable feeling in my chest and stomach and is making it hard to ignite the spark to fire the mugging engine to start chugging away! at least last time it was trodding along, now it's at a standstill?! and there are TWO papers tomorrow! what am i doinggg ): but i feel HORRID. all capitals! doesn't that say something?! bleh.

things i was supposed to do today but did not which will probably kill me for maths paper 2 - oh i just implied, nvm . i didn't do a single maths paper 2 for practice?! and i was supposed to do the mock stats paper BUT ended up sleeping until 5 due to lousy stomach. yaddayadda i think if i had to whine, i could go on forever and ever and ever... so i shall stop. it's not productive and a waste of my life. next 2h i will MAKE myself do chem then go sleep.

anyway possible causes of current misery that i'm decadently wallowing in.. oh did i mention i had to make myself vomit out all the food i had for lunch because it was sticking up in my stomach and making me feel gross! made me feel sort of related to those bulimic people, although i have ABSOLUTELY no desire to induce self-vomiting unless absolutely necessary - no i have no eating disorders. In order of most likely:

1. cold milk and mooncakes at 12+ just before i went to bed... yes stupid.
2. smelly tofu, that didn't taste very good but i chomped down a few.. it was sour? which is quite weird because i don't remember the last smelly tofu i had being sour, granted that was in sec 3 in taiwan.
3. erm rubbish that i randomly ingest??? haha that's too many to actually analyse and list.

ok that's all folks! it's 9.02pm. time to get to chem..wo de zui ai!
right. that makes for a really corny ending, which serves to emphasise the meaninglessness of my blog posts. except the one i wrote on paper. which may or may not be transferred. i hadn't had the urge to write such a critique in a whie. hahaa. wdv. econs requires terminologies AND cheemologies (:

relief

sometimes you feel relieved when you know you probably ought not to feel... but this was what i felt when i got a call from instructor telling me that i'll take FHT after prelims? was sort of looking forward to clearing it by this week (today i guess) but this is by far the better option... but it's quite cool that i managed to focus on studying for prelims with no news from flying, even with this big test hanging over my head. this is probably one of the better lessons that i've learnt throughout these 2 years - make use of the time you have, and focus!

from now until A levels, i will maintain this level of studying. that's my goal (: and i realised that studying is quite fun - prior to chem mock prelims, i was feeling rather awful - the kind of i'm-so-going-to-fall-sick feeling, probably due to another late night and early morning. but the good news is that i'm getting used to this routine! And, i sort of felt better while doing the prelims itself. then when she started going through the answers, i fell into a slump again.. and froze over. seriously. like an icicle. anyway, i feel good when i finish a practice paper, like i just did for Physics Paper 3 not long ago! granted, i take more time than necessary, but that's because i'm checking answers and thinking about it - it's more important to get the 'gems' of the question! as some chem tutor loves to say, and it's true. once you get an answering technique and are able to apply and manipulate it, you're all set!

sometimes all it takes is a smile (:
random sentence that popped out after i typed 'sometimes' :p

back to school to chiong chemmath (i can't believe i typed chem) and photocopy econs prelim papers tomorrowww~ actually i didn't really feel like going to school tomorrow, but the lure of econs essay outlines and case study structures proves too great! it's like, H bonding?? lol so i guess i'm the electron deficient H+ against the great big attractive lone pair on the O atom! what am i saying, i think it's all wrong.

i think i'll post this. even though i'm under a self-imposed no-publishing phase. hmm.

i guess the highlight of my day was finally being able to play on the grand piano in LT2 at 5+, the company was good too (: oh and kfc 2-pc chicken meal at last... but it wasn't that lovely today - the lady gave me lousy pieces of chicken.. rather annoying. they were supposed to be crispy but they battered it unevenly and fried it for too long! and i was thinking more about rushing back to start studying! ended up studying in the library with char lu et al. even though i've whined alot about it being cold there (which IS true). BUT the secret is to sit next to the window! ;P because the outside heat and sunlight will make it warmer there, and there's no direct airconditioning there! but i guess the library is a good place to study (duh.) and i've been productive there on various occasions so my whining is rather unjustified, except w.r.t. cold!

self-discovery of the day:
i mug best when
(a) the temperature is right - a good balance between inertness and concentration achieved due to my state (internal energy dependent only on state!)
(b) there is no or little ambient noise - usually achieved by sticking in earphones
(c) there is minimal movement and motion around me - because i'll get distracted and look at what is causing the moving!
(d) there are people studying near and around me, with great concentration - then i'll settle down and work, instead of feeling restless
(e) the environment is not really interesting. (self-explanatory)
i think too many conditions already. fussy! hahaa >< bad.

curiosity really killed the cat.
i think it's time to drift. because it's too hard to remain as Ca metal, i need to become Ca2+ instead! actually i have no idea what i'm typing now. talk about spontaneous reactions! the indecipherability of parts of my post means it's now time to sleep.
1.16am. my head is bloody but unbowed. i have learnt and grown, and now i'll learn the hardest lessons of all - how to let go, not care and carry on with whatever i need to do at the moment; how to remove distractions and focus even when you don't really feel like it; and when i can, i want to reach the highest level of occlumency and theatrics!
1.18am. it's time to go. au revoir. à demain, à l'infini. whatever. lol!

always too late

why do i always leave things to the last minute then start rushing! this will give me bad results ):

do you think it's possible to finish mugging everything by the weekend and do prelim papers for the rest of next week!! i have only 8 days left to prelims.. gosh. do i have a feeling that it's going to be bad unless i totally cut off from everything and dedicate myself to mugging, i.e. no computer, no phone, no talk!

random fact: i have 25 smses and decreasing to last 15 days! LOL

here's the plan. finish chem today. finish everything else tomorrow. and do prelim papers next week (while refreshing whatever concepts i whacked through during the weekends)

I CAN DO ALL THIS AND STILL STUDY FOR FHT - actually i think it's possible to study for systems 2 days before..

steal me a piece of time!

this is the dunno how many-eth phantom blog post! hahaa >.<

anyway, i think i'm such an escapist loser who finds the easiest way out of things. but that's largely due to laziness, lack of timeliness, and probably a deficiency of self-confidence as well. ): will i ever have enough courage! i think i'm a coward in some ways..but that's alright because it's serving me well now. somethings are meant to be left alone =) it's safer! i like it when my world isn't rocky and unstable~ even though spontaneity and being able to tumble and fall may be fun sometimes, now's not one of those times. it's time to work smart, work hard and not find shortcut methods to improve your brainpower too! lol.

boo.

i don't like opening up, and brief moments of unguardedness make me feel vulnerable - like when you catch me early in the morning and ask me a question which i would have wanted to avoid, but will tell the truth about when confronted directly and have no space to run or hide! i don't like feeling weak. so i hide behind a mask of sleepiness and whatever tools are at hand or suitable for the situation. i guess i don't seem that introverted because i can probably talk about myself or whatever i feel like and carry on a rather interesting conversation - but that's really the best way to hide what's really inside :p oh, now the secret's out! i bet alot of people do the same thing though, appear open but really guard their innermost thoughts. it's in human nature to do the best they can to survive, and i guess this counts as part of it! (: the myriad of facets of the human psyche that we use to mask and protect ourselves.

ok. i miss watching soccer and being able to talk or read or whatever about it! actually, i just plain miss my cable and disney channel and sports channels! do you know there's actually a Football Channel?? i wonder how they tuned/ suscribed to it because i didn't know it existed until today when i went to a random coffeeshop and discovered it was being shown on the tv there! watched abit of inter milan being trashed by barcelona while chowing dinner :P hahaa but not much because the food was more enticing :x been playing soccer these past 2 weeks, and i realised it's not bad, and significantly harder than bball and to a certain extent, vball - both of which i miss playing! unfortunately, now's not the time to play.

oh well, school's out. i guess i wasn't really prepared for this not going to school phase in life! as in, we're still considered jc students, but there are no actual lessons or plans?? independence feels weird, especially when you're not really prepared for As... there will be revision lectures and such i guess, but i'll miss being part of an actual class - seeing familiar faces and contending with various class dynamics, although it was quite irritating and troublesome at times.. i sort of missed rg the two years i was in rj, and i guess i'll rather miss both jc and secondary school now. especially since my smses are gone and i can't sms people whenever i feel like it now! unless i'm prepared to fork out $$.. i mean, you can't just initiate an sms conversation for 1 sms right?! bah.

this post is excessively long to make up for not doing actual blogging - due interruptions while blogging halfway, etc. ok. mug. bye.

isolationist policies should work sometimes?? lol. i think i'll drag myself out of bed at 7 to go school and study, if i think of a good place to settle down undisturbed and in solitude, dump my phone 10metres away from me and turn it off, and start studying properly without computer, tv, phone disturbances! radiation is bad for you anywayyy~