lake

realised i haven't blogged for quite long and well, this is one of the days when i'm home early, which has been really rare since jc started! but i guess it will become a norm soon... i actually felt rather lost without training, like what to do? and reading blogs and coming onto the comp when i was going to take a nap instead has proven to be a bad move because when i'm free i will blogsurf, inevitably stumble across people's past posts that i don't really feel like reading but will be unable to stop myself. oh bleargh. i'm over it, but it still affects me.

like the way i'm quite easily irritated and touchy about the littlest things that i usually don't get annoyed about but just brush off. not like they haven't teased me before.. and i punched someone in the arm yesterday, granted it was a guy and i'm not that strong but i felt quite bad about it after that :( my fist and arm moved too fast for me to control! that's a bad excuse i know, but what else can i say to justify it.. sometimes spontaneous reactions suck. like the way i know i'm probably slightly stressed but try to deny it.

denial works quite well for me. mental power and all that crap.

found out today that there isn't a female pilot scholar yet, shall i aspire to be one of the first few? since i know some of my PPLmates want to get in too... talked to the simulator instructor today, and he seemed quite taken aback that i don't have a concrete goal or plan in life.. i think i've a commitment phobia when it comes to certain things. and i really have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, concretely, or with certainty.

on a side note, it's liverpool vs ac milan in the uefa champs league finals! i'm quite excited about it :) will watch regardless. At all the people who used to laugh at us (liverpool and its fans), don't underestimate teams just because they haven't been at their max potential standard! there's still room to grow.

i haven't cried. but i read about people crying or feeling like crying or doing things to de-stress or de-angst and i feel damn.. ok whatever.. enough. wish i had more resolve and determination to do things that i should be doing, like eating only vegetables and going running everyday for 2 weeks which helped some dude lose 8kg. enviable! and totally out of the point.

i think i can't leave pain alone. sports people are masochists - pushing themselves to the max for a goal that they know they might not reach with a finite probability but still they go for it anyway. then most of the times they fall, sometimes they succeed but all the time emotions run high. at the peak of the moment, it's all worth the crash. right?

i say i'm not angsty. and i say i don't need. because saying these things will make them come true. and if i'm not honest, i'm an escape artist.

and i suck at commitment. i wonder what we could have done with 3 more months with this coach and the way we were training for the past 2 months before competition.. because during the games i saw like all the potential that our team had, but somehow weren't able to bring out to the fullest. i wonder how much better i would have been if i hadn't ponned training to go flying during the dec hols, before the dec hols (even though it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference)and if we had had this great jiao lian who is a much more effective coach than the old one. though the old one was more expressive and nice, not that coach isn't nice, he just tries not to show it but we can see when he's amused but attempting to look serious and not laugh at our ridiculous antics, which i will miss very very much.. and we were just getting the hang of being a team on and off court and now we won't have much of a chance.. because everyone is starting to be serious about studying like i should be and i don't like punctuation marks (hoho) because i want to say this all in one breath and i will not go on about what trainings were like because i hope i can remember them in my head. and anyway there are all those other reminiscent blogs out there that i can cross refer to .break. and i think i make a lousy friend and teammate. break. oh whatever. (added punctuation randomly.) and well. everyone makes mistakes but do the best they can at the moment.. winning may not be everything, but it still sucks to lose. so i wonder what we could have been like training with this coach in the dec hols instead, playing more friendlies, encouraging each other and doing more team stuff.

boo.

sometimes i wish i were superhuman so that i would never let my teammates down. but that's impossible. both parts of the sentence. like they said my spiking the match point out during jj match first set didn't matter because all the mistakes accumulate and eventually the blame has to land on someone, but i rather it was coz the other team won the point instead of a mistake on our part, especially mine. i said i would spike them silly but on the day of the match and the day before, i got 'sian'ed and i didn't do pre-match prep the same way i'd been doing for the past 2 matches. and i went to study ratings and do homework instead. not that i got much done.

actually, there's not much point brooding over the past, and we have to move on. because that would be the rational thing to do, but when have emotions ever made sense? humans are such weak, fallible creatures that it's kind of disgusting that i'm one such but even worse(!), belonging to the lower spectrum. especially since i waste time when i should be concentrating on finishing my ratings book by tomorrow. 250 pages to go. rounded down that is.

life goes on;